Thoughts of Beltane Past

So it's May Day, Beltane, which ever you like. It's always been difficult for me to celebrate holy days, mainly due to the fact that I am a solitary person. Joining a group, while useful, seems to be the last thing on my mind. Whether it's because I'm worried about our ideas/traditions/what have you won't mesh or because with groups comes group politics, who knows. I try to do something for these days but it usually falls through, which upsets me and makes me wonder why I try to do such things. This is my spiritual path and I need to figure out some way to make it work, dammit.

Grendal and I used to hold bonfire gatherings through out the summer for our friends while we were attending a local community college. It was fun all nighters though it was usually he and I cleaning up the next morning. We look back on them fondly, wanting to have them again, and we know friends are wanting the same. Who knows.

I want to say that it was four years ago that we had a bonfire on Beltane. It was FOR Beltane it just happened to be on the day. That didn't matter in my head. I had a gathering of people, a fire, and there would be so much freakin' energy in the air. While I wasn't doing a ritual or spell, I knew it was just going to be a wonderful way to spend the night: with friends. Something amazing did happen though. Grendal, two of our close friends, and I were out prepping everything before people began to show up. Grendal was coming out of the house with something while the three of us were out front by the fire pit. I hear him shout, "Hey, there's a deer out back."  Deer don't wander onto our property thanks to the highway being so close. Seriously, I've been on this property edging on 9 years and I've seen deer here only twice(but turkeys show up like clockwork).

I don't know why I did this but suddenly I go sprinting towards the rear of the property. Keep in mind that this property is at least an acre and a half(don't remember the exacts) and I am in NO WAY a sprinter/runner/fast mover. I like to mosey. My two friends and Grendal were hot on tail while I sprinted through the property, chasing down the deer just to catch a glimpse. I did and so did the others. We just stood there, together, and watched it bound out of sight and just grinned like idiots. Our two friends have no connection to pagan paths and Grendal is an odd sort of agnostic but knows quite a bit. Despite that I think we all felt something special had just happened. The night was beautiful and one of the best bonfires we've held.

Now, I don't want to go on and say that the appearance of a deer was something special/magical but it just seemed to set the mood. It hasn't happened since but I keep my eyes open for these interesting occurances.

-Djarfskald

I Always Wanted to be a Teacher!

Though, not in this way. I always pictured myself in a nice classroom and rambling on about history.

A friend of mine approached me on Facebook this past week and wanted some information on Wicca and NeoPaganism in general. Turns out she's making the change from some form of Christian to the Pagan world. Looking back at my own adventures into the Pagan life I think I seriously needed a guiding hand from someone with some sort of experience, rather than the ragtag team of tweens that I was part of. So I had to pull out my old books and flip through 'em.  Man, have I grown.

I told my friend that I wasn't Wiccan anymore but a follower of Asatru. While she didn't fully understand what I was meaning, she went with it. She's eager to learn and floundering in a way. I'm trying my best to lay things out and point her in the right directions while not imposing my personal beliefs. I think the last thing she needs is for me to place her in a spot without going through any trial and error moments herself. Besides, what went 'wrong' for me might be what she is looking for.

I honestly don't remember getting into this religious/spiritual area being so difficult, then again that was well over 12 years ago. She has a lot of questions and wonders on what to do and when and how to do it. She's looking at sites and getting answers from me when I can provide them. My head is spinning and I'm running through my books like a mad woman. I think this would be easier if she was right next to me and I can be like "Here, read this bit. Lets talk about it."

Ye Gods, this will be interesting.

That one time I felt like Worf

No, seriously, I felt like Worf. Not in the Klingon, warrior way but more on his quest for enlightenment. There is an episode in the second to last season of Star Trek: The Next Generation titled Rightful Heir. Now, Worf heavy episodes are always a winner with me but this one seemed to hit home. More importantly in one specific scene.

Worf is in Boreth, a place where devout Klingons wait for the deity Kahless to return. He is praying with others around a fire pit. Worf has been feeling empty and wants to reconnect with his spirituality which is why he is there, trying to force a vision of the deity. Another Klingon in the group has a vision and Worf has an obvious reaction while the priests congratulate the man. After being in Boreth for ten days, without a vision, Word decides to leave.

I won't go into any more detail about the episode but that is really the part where I felt for Worf. Wandering around certain areas of the internet I run into posts where the author goes on about their deity. To be more precise, their conversations. They have constant contact with their deity, through dreams, feelings, 'conversations', etc.  They talk about how the deities have approached them, showed them the way, or even offered suggestions.

Then I look at myself. I have been muddling through the pagan world/community for 16 years(wow, made myself feel old for a second). I've gone from pantheon to pantheon, pagan type to pagan type, trying to figure something out. I wasn't a Kitchen Witch(though I love what they do), I wasn't any form of Wiccan, and cherry picking didn't seem right. I thought I had found a path for me; it seemed to fit just right. Then I read up that these people were big on the whole 'sin' thing and that didn't sit well with me.

After years of searching and thinking, I believe that within this past year I have come to the end of this dizzying journey. Asatru has jumped up and seemed to claim me, with Odin taking lead. I brought two crow feathers into my house after finding them in the bike path(my route home from work). Soon after I noticed two crows constantly flying over, around, and hanging out on our property. Thinking back on crows I remembered something that happened a year or two after deciding paganism was for me. I was sitting on the back porch chatting with a friend over the phone. Looking back at one of the trees in the yard two LARGE black birds(guessing about 2ft TALL) settled onto the ground. I watched them and kept talking. The bird kept walking closer and closer, seeming to come towards me. They weren't pecking at the ground or anything. Just. Walking.  I freaked out, and ran inside while telling my friend what just happened.

Things have fallen into place with Asatru but I haven't seemed to have that sort of connection with any of the deities. I place offerings on the altar and outside, meditated, and even tried to 'converse' with Odin specifically. While I know He's there, through the presence of the crows, I am wondering if there is something I need to do to instigate things. Maybe I should just let things take their course. Honestly, I feel jealous of those people. Why isn't this happening to me?

I made Odin a promise. When Grendal and I get our own place, not an apartment but a home, I would make a proper altar in the house and in the backyard, and I will place offering there every day. While they won't be extravagant, my offering will be placed on one of the altars each day. I will learn how to use Runes in divination and magic.

I will be strong and live in a way that would make Odin proud.