No, seriously, I felt like Worf. Not in the Klingon, warrior way but more on his quest for enlightenment. There is an episode in the second to last season of Star Trek: The Next Generation titled Rightful Heir. Now, Worf heavy episodes are always a winner with me but this one seemed to hit home. More importantly in one specific scene.
Worf is in Boreth, a place where devout Klingons wait for the deity Kahless to return. He is praying with others around a fire pit. Worf has been feeling empty and wants to reconnect with his spirituality which is why he is there, trying to force a vision of the deity. Another Klingon in the group has a vision and Worf has an obvious reaction while the priests congratulate the man. After being in Boreth for ten days, without a vision, Word decides to leave.
I won't go into any more detail about the episode but that is really the part where I felt for Worf. Wandering around certain areas of the internet I run into posts where the author goes on about their deity. To be more precise, their conversations. They have constant contact with their deity, through dreams, feelings, 'conversations', etc. They talk about how the deities have approached them, showed them the way, or even offered suggestions.
Then I look at myself. I have been muddling through the pagan world/community for 16 years(wow, made myself feel old for a second). I've gone from pantheon to pantheon, pagan type to pagan type, trying to figure something out. I wasn't a Kitchen Witch(though I love what they do), I wasn't any form of Wiccan, and cherry picking didn't seem right. I thought I had found a path for me; it seemed to fit just right. Then I read up that these people were big on the whole 'sin' thing and that didn't sit well with me.
After years of searching and thinking, I believe that within this past year I have come to the end of this dizzying journey. Asatru has jumped up and seemed to claim me, with Odin taking lead. I brought two crow feathers into my house after finding them in the bike path(my route home from work). Soon after I noticed two crows constantly flying over, around, and hanging out on our property. Thinking back on crows I remembered something that happened a year or two after deciding paganism was for me. I was sitting on the back porch chatting with a friend over the phone. Looking back at one of the trees in the yard two LARGE black birds(guessing about 2ft TALL) settled onto the ground. I watched them and kept talking. The bird kept walking closer and closer, seeming to come towards me. They weren't pecking at the ground or anything. Just. Walking. I freaked out, and ran inside while telling my friend what just happened.
Things have fallen into place with Asatru but I haven't seemed to have that sort of connection with any of the deities. I place offerings on the altar and outside, meditated, and even tried to 'converse' with Odin specifically. While I know He's there, through the presence of the crows, I am wondering if there is something I need to do to instigate things. Maybe I should just let things take their course. Honestly, I feel jealous of those people. Why isn't this happening to me?
I made Odin a promise. When Grendal and I get our own place, not an apartment but a home, I would make a proper altar in the house and in the backyard, and I will place offering there every day. While they won't be extravagant, my offering will be placed on one of the altars each day. I will learn how to use Runes in divination and magic.
I will be strong and live in a way that would make Odin proud.