Monday, January 14, 2013

Pardon Me for Being Blue

NOTE: This post is a little more personal than the few others and covers depression. And it's a wee rant. If you don't want to read it, don't. Happier things are on the way, I promise! :)

So, I was diagnosed with depression years back. I'm thinking 12 some odd years. I was in high school, blah blah blah. I took medication that didn't seem to help but I kept trudging through life a little less then chipper. I was never one of the people who sunk into depression so far that I thought about taking my life. Part me believes that I would never let myself EVER think about it. Sure, I've thought about disappearing but I have a strong urge to be here.

Grendal helped me through my depression and did convince me that I didn't need the medication. I weaned myself off early in our relationship and haven't looked back. He's suggested it was more of a situational depression rather than the clinical depression that was diagnosed. In all honesty, it was being around a mother that idolized my older sister and had a strong relationship with my younger. I was the bookworm, gamer, writer....the one more artistically inclined and very much a person that keeps to myself. I wasn't happy at home but no one, not even myself, could see it. That is, until Grendal showed up and helped me out!

I've been fine for YEARS. My father has seasonal depression(winter blues) and my mother has fought depression as well, but I've been good. Until this winter. It's a little strange because winter always seems to breathe new life into me. Grendal has suggested that it's due to the lack of a good snow. I think I can agree. But having SAD for the first time, along with job issues, and our wedding creeping up on us, it's been taking it's toll.

I'm happy to be with Grendal and just be around him in a way to heal myself, but my online gaming friends don't seem to grasp it. We had tried to set up a weekly get together to play Halo 4 with each other. It worked for a while but then holidays hit, Grendal and I had our week off, and then I started getting depressed. Two of the group are seeming to get upset about not having gatherings anymore. I understand. For a few years Grendal and I would get together with two of our friends on a Friday afternoon and hang out for hours. It was great! Then again, I wasn't having these problems and if I had been those two friends would have understood and even try to lighten my spirits. Two of my current gaming friends seem more upset about things not going through. No regard for if I feel up to it or the fact that jobs/classes/life is first in line.

That and one of them suggested that if saving up for the wedding is so hard, then just push it back. Really? Just push it back? No thougths about the people that know the date, or that we've set things up for that date. Perhaps the fact that it has a personal and spiritual significance. Then again he's a person that believe things happen for a reason, and I'm not.

Honestly there isn't much I can do about it. They'll have their own opinions and all I can do is focus on myself and making myself better.  And I shall do that.

Screw 'em!

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