Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

Maybe I should have titled this 'I Saw the Sign' ?

Life has been rather uneventful here as of late. It's the same tune: wake up, go to work, cook, clean, sleep, and repeat. Grendal and I have been wearing out due to it.  He's having trouble with work due to some racism.  It isn't directed at him in the slightest but it's remarks that have been upsetting him and the company he works for hasn't done a thing about it.  There isn't a day he comes home that he comments he nearly walked out.  Luckily he's in the process of throwing applications at the business world and we're crossing our fingers that something positive happens.

As for me, work is work.  Nothing spectacular in the Deli world of major super markets.  As a peon I have little say in what happens, and when I do point things out the higher ups in the store look at me like I'm a loon.  Unfortunately my job out look is less impressive than Grendal's.  I am some what limited to what's within reasonable walking distance of the home, especially with winter slowly creeping in.  For now I have to suck it up and hope that I don't insult one of said higher ups.

What about the title of this post? Ah, yes.  Recently I've been wanting to do something more with my tarot cards and possibly expanding other things through that.  This thought has kinda been put out in the universe and I've asked Odin and any other deity for some help or the like.  I had an old friend contact me through facebook asking if I still do readings.  I said yes and explained that we'll set something up.  It never happened, more my fault than anything else.  There went that chance.  Nothing else happened and, to be honest, I kinda forgot about what I had wanted.

Last weekend when Grendal picked me up from work he seemed a little frantic.  He told me 'Get in the car, we gotta go.'  This was strange because we didn't have anything happening that day so there was no need to be in any sort of hurry, plus earlier he wanted me to remind him that there was something we had to talk about.  Apparently what ever was happening superseded that talk.  When we drove down to the bank(approximately a block from the house) he was looking over the trees and grumbling.  Saying something about not being able to see anything.  Grendal wouldn't tell me what was going on and there I was trying to see if there was some nifty clouds floating along.  There wasn't.

The closer we got to our street the more I noticed some swallows flying about.  We usually don't have swallows hanging around the area, especially so early in the day.  So we pull into the driveway and over the property there was damn near 20 swallows swooping about and countless HUGE dragonflies doing their thing.  Grendal explained that there had been a whole lot more than what I was seeing, dragonfly wise.  It was pretty amazing, even if I didn't see the whole shebang.

What did Grendal need to talk to me about, though?  Turns out his mother and father's church is in desperate need of mediums, fortune tellers, etc.  They belong to the Spiritual Church, which is neat in it's own right but nothing for Grendal and I.  His mother was wondering if I'd be interested in doing readings.  I was a little nervous with the thought.  I mean, first and foremost I am a Heathen.  My gods are many and they are dear to me.  With the Spiritualist Church, they believe in Spirit/God.  A single deity has never sat well with me, something that I've trace back to my childhood without any explanation.  I don't want to anger my deities and enter a place of worship where I might upset the followers there due to my own path.

Grendal's mother said our differing faiths wouldn't matter.  All I would be there for would be expanding my ability to read and other things.  The only time they had to be particular about their beliefs was during their sermons or whatever they call them.  I was still leery with the idea, but I was beginning to remember that I wanted this chance.  Maybe it was another push?  N'aw.  Besides, there are times when I hear Grendal's parents and elder sister talk about their faith and it seems rather hokey.  Not to mention, too close to the Christian faith for my own comfort.

I told her I'd think about it, which she was thankful for.  A little while later I went to our computer and decided to see who/what was connected to dragonflies.  I don't know why I did so.  Maybe it was due to the fact that there had been so many of them around and that throughout my time in this home, as well as Grendal's, there has never been anything like what had been seen.

Turns out dragonflies are associated with Freyja.  She is very much associated with Seiðr, and for teaching Odin in those ways.  I think I was given one hel of a sign that I can't ignore.

And I didn't.

Sorry About That

Seems like when I start stuff, something happens.  This time it was a major something.

Wednesday night Grendal's father was complaining about stomach and chest pains.  With his history and having heart problem before both Grendal and his mother were worried.  The next day he went to the doctor and next thing we know he's being prepped for surgery.  He had appendicitis.  Surgery is a scary thing for him mainly because he's on blood thinners.  He made it through with no problems.  They've kept him int he hospital since Thursday and he's finally up and moving around.  We've been told he'll be coming home today.

So I haven't been posting card updates due to the above issue.  They will return tomorrow.

I Blame the Heat

I really do. We've gone through a week long heat wave. Hot enough to the point that 80 some odd degrees feels oh so wonderful. Not only do I not do well in heat anymore neither does my computer.  With out place being upstairs, the ceiling being low, and the PC's tower being nestled in a corner where the ceiling is the lowest, it's bound that the poor thing runs hot.  So rather than put it through hel we've been keeping off of it as much as possible.  Luckily the heat wave is nearly done with and, I hope, that cooler weather is on it's way back.

I've been going through a funk as well, which does not really translate well into spiritual workings on my end.  I have things set aside that I want to do but I become a puddle of 'I don't wanna' when the heat rises.  Years ago I found out that I am one of those people that once I get my body heat up it takes a while for me to cool down, save for walking into freezers and shedding layers in winter.  No amount of me sitting in front of the fan seemed to help, so Yuko, Tinker, and I just lay about as blobs when the need rises.

So once the temperatures return to something more human I will become more active!  I do have plans, I swear.

LIES!

So yeah, that Wednesday thing didn't happen. I had good a reason, though! Grendal got my ass out of bed early and said he wanted to take me on a surprise adventure. So off we went.

He took me to Devil's Lake Wisconsin. I have TONS of pictures. Very nice place. Heard crows the entire time from across the lake and saw some circling Golden Eagles. Pretty awesome stuff.

I swear I'll have something 'productive' up this week.

-Djarfskald

Does it Feel Different?

Well, it's been a week. Grendal and I were wed on the 21st of June and had a ceremony the next day for friends and family. I am now a Mrs! We've been together nearly nine years now and nothing has really changed. The odd thing is, though, the days after the ceremony we both felt different. Like I said, odd. I think it's the finality of it all. We are comfortable with each other and, in all honesty, have pretty much been a 'married' couple for some time. There was no moving in or anything like that. The big difference now is my last name has changed and there is a bunch of paperwork I have to mess with.  :P

Since the hectic times of preparing the wedding and all of that has come and gone, I should have more free time to post things. I've gone through some ideas in my head in ways of devotion and just flexing my spiritual muscles. More than likely I'll be doing a 'card of the day' type deal with my current tarot deck. I wish I could do such a thing with the runes but I have yet to really connect with it. Other things may/will follow. Probably musings and such.

Look for this stuff Wednesday!!

Looming Like a Cloud

Well, come this Friday I shall no longer be a single woman. Technically I haven't been single for going on 9 years but legality states otherwise.

Friday is the big day in a way. Grendal and I are signing the papers the day and June 21st will be celebrated as the day we married. The party/ceremony/shindig is happening the 22nd due to the 21st being a Friday and that would have been harder for people to show up.  There are only a few people that know that the ceremony is more a show than anything else. While some of those people might be hurt I think it's better this way, as strange as it sounds.

I've been paranoid and stressed over the whole thing. I think it just happens that way, though I am prone to paranoia. We haven' gotten back even HALF the rsvps that were sent out. Grendal says his family will be there and I know that I have coworkers joining in on the party. I guess part of me is worried that I'm going to be on the ground, somewhere hidden, sobbing because there's nobody at the wedding save for a handful of people. It's half 'do people not like us' and half 'we spent over 1k on food, what the hell?'   Again, Grendal tells me not to worry and I'm trying not to.

This whole week seems to full of big things and moving forward. Grendal is finally getting his GED. He hates to admit he doesn't have because of what people would think. He is an intelligent man; home schooled and self taught in many things. I can understand the worry.  Once the GED is in the bag he'll be applying for the trains and it looks promising. My brother-in-law works at said company and apparently they are in desperate need of help. We both feel like this could be the first step to saving up and wriggling our way out and on our own.

As for the other big thing, it's in the realm of my spiritual path. I've had this large urge to redo my Book of Shadows/Grimoire/Spell-book/what have you. My choice in life has been pretty much cemented in that of the 'northern path.'  Last night I took the beginnings of my makeshift book and pulled out what was no longer needed and what I no longer really clung to. I feel good about it and I've begun to think of what to add. While it's nothing fancy, just a 3-ring binder and lined paper, it's a start. The more sure of myself and the more spending cash I have, the more pricey my item will be. For now it's simple, like me, and it's more than I could have asked for.

So yes, lack of updates was due to stress, life, and wedding hub-bub. I should have pictures and may find some I feel like I am willing to share. :)

-Djarfskald

I Say This With Nothing but Kindness: I Hate You

I'm sitting here after a shower, hair dripping and still smelling like a bonfire, with another headache and in the midst of doldrums.

Wedding day is less then a month away now. Grendal and I are both nervous, as are those in the wedding party. Everything is just about leveled away and should go on without a hitch. We even bottled our mead on Tuesday after a speedy delivery of bottles:

Such pretty colors. Most of them are basic batches but we have some cherry, 2 blackberry, a pear, and strawberry. Grendal insisted we make a batch for his manager at work who was kind enough to postpone his week off so we could enjoy a simple honeymoon. The one he received was rather sweet, which made me happy. We were both a little upset we had to part with it but knew he'd be happy. I think I'll demand a sweet blackberry batch next time.

The reason for the title isn't due to the wedding or the mead but towards some general things. And I honestly don't hate the people! It's more 'Oh gods, that is so awesome. Bravo! I hate you so much.'

One of the girls from the bakery is off in Chile right now for a week for school stuff. She's double majoring in Spanish and Anthropology. When I heard all of that, I told her I hated her and she laughed. She knew where I was coming from. Such an amazing opportunity and she is taking it all in. She also plans on heading to Spain one of these days to take in that culture and further her studies, which is just freakin' amazing.

Then there is one of our gaming buddies (we'll call him Boxy). He works for a nice company, makes(I assume) a decent amount of money, lives with his parents on their farm, and they all travel throughout North America, possibly even Central and South. Why? I don't know. Boxy is an awkward sort but very talented and very smart. One gaming session he made us sushi, which was wonderful, and then another he made us batched of spaghetti, ravioli, and all the fixings.....from scratch. I've been wanting to make homemade pasta for moons but haven't the means to do so, nor the time at the moment. Everything tasted beautifully and, again, I told him in between gushing about the tasty food that I hated him for doing this. He took in stride and a compliment.


It's honestly times like these that I mentally take a step back and look at what I've done. I came close to being able to travel outside of the US my senior year, either with my french class or theater class. I opted to join the theater group and my parents agreed to pay the fee. We'd be in England for a while and then off to Paris for a day. I talked the teacher into agreeing to let us see Stonehenge and even the Paris Opera house. That was the year 9/11 occurred and, understandably, all trips outside of the US were canceled.

Grendal and I have wanted to go to Japan. I did research, figured out prices, found places to stay, and agreed that we'd check out Tokyo once. We planned to save up for a year and we'd have enough money to spend about a week abroad. That never happened. Life happened. Bills cropped up, we had to help his parents thanks to his sister and her family mooching off of them. And now we enter the world of me actually getting close to hating a person. I don't like it, to be honest. Thinking about it makes me feel horrible but I'm not the only one creeping to that conclusion. Our relationship with his sister and her brood is for another time. I don't need THAT much angst in one post. :P

But yes, money was and has been tight ever since. I don't think his family realized it until the 18th. Everyone was over for a impromptu Mother's Day lunch. Grendal was talking about buying a moped. His siblings and brother in law started talking about how he should get a bicycle with a motor, and then prices were being tossed around. I piped in and told them "That's not going to happen any time soon. All of the money we have is going towards the wedding." It's true. I think it made a bit of an impact because I'm usually quite during get togethers (too many people make me nervous). They were quite after that. None of them knew any of that and I felt a bit better once they did, though nothing has changed.

So yes. Here I am, finally dry from the shower, and looking at my life. While I never really had a plan of where I would be, I just have to shrug. Things could be a lot worse then they are. The two of us are trying our damnedest to work our way out of this hole but it's slow going. We may never be able to travel abroad but we'll be happy and together.

-Djarfskald

And the Count Down.....It Begins

So, I've hit the two months left time for the wedding. June 21/22 is coming quicker than I had imagined. I'm a bundle of nerves over many things. Food is already in order, invitations are slowly coming together, addresses are needed, and my dress is still being made. While I know everything will fall into place and this will be a day to remember, for what ever reason, I'm still nervous as hell.

A lot of people think that being married suddenly changes everything somehow. For Grendal and I it's not going to change a thing. Seriously. We've been together for nearly 9 years, living together for nearly that long. We've had our wedding jewelry for nearly a year now, wearing it every day. The only thing that is going to change between us is the legality of it all. That and we will refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife' ala Futurama(think Hermes and LaBarbara). We are happy with each other, accept our differences, and know that our arguments/disagreements are all perfectly natural and work things out when its needed.

I've been attempting to write some more but something isn't clicking. Makes me sad but I think I have to put my writing aside for a while. My muse and inspiration is just kinda not there anymore.

Also I've been attempting to get closer to Odin. Talking with Him, using my tarots, and what not. My cards are rather good and while I don't read as often as I want to, nor have people to do readings for, it's a little rocky. Things seem to be clearing up when communicating with Him. I don't know if it has any connection but I've been getting restful sleep as well! One big thing that I asked Odin was what should I do to really show my devotion. Should I create something? Perhaps take on a new craft or work on one that I have. The cards pretty much pointed to my wedding with Grendal as a show of devotion. I do know that I am setting aside some food for both the gods and the Wights, so perhaps that has something to do with it. Either way, there is some connection to my wedding! Happy day.

One last thing: the weather here is ridiculous. I had ONE WEEK to walk/bike to work since the changing of the season and ever since then it's been rainy. From the drive way I can still peer through the trees and peep through the trees across the highway to see the river. People had to evacuate houses and some houses are mostly underwater. Never understood why people really want homes along the river. While it is bad that peoples' homes have been flooded, we need(ed) the rain. Last year we were in drought conditions and this is a good start. While we're still dry (kinda hard to wrap my head around that with all this freakin' rain) it's a step in the right direction. Maybe a garden will be doable this year.

-Djarfskald

We'll Talk of Many Things

Or not. Seems like this post really had only two bits to it, but ah well!

It seems my manager and one of my coworkers are constantly on the search for a good diet. Both are over 50 (one just slightly) and are doing it for health reasons. No big deal, honestly, but witnessing this for the past 2 years is strange to me. Through out my life I never really met 'those' kinds of people. Ones who are looking for diets to make everything better. I don't know if it's because I was blind to it, the people around me were fine with their body at the time, or people were silent about their dieting. Grendal's parents and elder sister have been diet hopping for years as well, though they're not vocal about the new thing they're trying. Grendal's other brother has been sticking to a certain lifestyle for years and is a VERY healthy individual. My own mother and elder sister, why it's not dieting, have done exercise regimes to keep themselves fit but it doesn't last long.

I see nothing wrong in trying to change one's eating habits to better the body. Grendal's immediate family have all taken to the PaleoDiet movement(after giving up on vegetarianism, vegan-ism, and so forth). Grendal's brother is healthy to begin with so there wasn't an obvious change in him but he enjoys it, so good for him. His sister has dropped pants sizes and is ecstatic, though it is only obvious when looking at her before and after shots. If she had the drive to exercise then I think she'd slim down to her goal and possibly drop the belly that she laments. Grendal's father has slimmed some too but with a hectic style of life I think he's at a stand still but he is a rather healthy man. As for Grendal's mother....well, as Grendal puts it, she turns to food when she is stressed, upset, depressed, wanting to celebrate, etc. It worries him. His mother wants to get healthy but can't seem to stay away from sweets, sodas, and other unhealthy objects. As the one who buys the bulk of groceries in the house I don't buy those things because they're rather expensive, not particularly healthy, and I know that I'll start snacking on 'em too. Any sweets or sodas that show up are thanks to his mother buying them. It's obvious she gets upset when others in the family talk about dropping pounds but one can't really approach her about the extras she eats, because she sees them as treats.

Grendal and I have been on a nice little roller-coaster ourselves. We've gained wait and we're starting to drop it. I had always been told that when you're on birthcontrol that you gain weight. I was one of those people that didn't until I had to stop taking it. I never really weighed myself but I know the highest I was when I did weigh myself was 170-something. Remembering that I was about 125-130 in high school, it's kind of shocking. After a point we began to cut certain things out of our daily consumption. I don't know why we started to. It's not like we sat down and agreed that we needed to do this, we just did. Out went the soda, the chips, the abundance of cookies, and all of that. Besides being the one to buy groceries, I was also the one to cook dinners at night. I started cooking healthier things and having smaller portions. Being the one who cooked I was also eating more vegetables, especially after buying them fresh rather than frozen. I began to walk or ride my bike to work and have thought about joining a local gym to work on other bits. While I know I'll never get back down to high school weight(which BMI says I must be but the BMI is crap), which is all due to the fact that my legs are rather muscly, I have a goal of 145-150. I'm not too far. Once I do actually work out it'll be easy. Same with Grendal. He has LOTS of muscle and is built like a wall. When he finally joins me in working out, he'll tone up and be a happy man.

WEDDING STUFF! Gah. It's getting close, which is making me nervous. There are still things that need to get hashed out and I'm a nervous wreck. One thing that I managed to get out of the way was a song list. One that is random as hell but it's something I know I'll enjoy. Music spanning genres, nations, eras, and languages. Grendal even agreed that the song I want to walk to was great.

Oddly enough, the first time I listened to the song years ago I decided that this would be it. If Grendal and I were ever to marry, this was the song. It suits us and I love Voltaire's stuff. If for some reason Grendal and I had broken up, this song would have been pushed aside and probably never listened to again. I'm happy that we get to play it.

You Say 'Hippie' Like it's a Bad Thing

Though I do prefer Granola Child.

There is no doubt that I am NOT the same person I was say, oh, about 12 years ago. Fresh out of high school I was decked out in metal band shirts, fishnets, knee high shitkickers(awesome freakin' boots), hair recovering from being dyed purple, spiked collars, and so on. I had been one of those kids in high school. Hanging out with kids into punk, goths, and the occasional druggie. We were a tight knit group, which was something I wanted during that period of life. When I graduated that all disappeared. That group was gone and these people didn't exist in college(at least not the one I attended). Some of those in my group of friends ditched 'the look' and went on with what ever it was they did. I was one of those people that changed my appearance but I still love my metal bands and fishnets.

One of the big things was my outlook on things in general. About a year after high school my parents, my younger sister, a friend of hers, and I took a 3 week long vacation to Hawai'i to visit family. We were on the Big Island and went to the beaches and visited Mauna Loa. It was our journey to a swap meet that seemed to be the turning point. There is a small town, not too far from the area where my Auntie lives, where the majority of the hippies live. It was near that town where the swap meet was. I was ogling their crafts, their clothes, and everything in between. I went from being a metal fan to a hippie in the making. To this day my mother says that if I ever moved to the islands I would quickly find myself living amongst the hippies.

Fast forward to present day. I no longer look the part of a metal fan. I still own a pair of fishnets, a spiked collar, and some clothes that I could wear if I wanted to look like how I did in high school. Now my wardrobe consists mainly of long skirts, tank tops, some odd shirts, and worn jeans. I've gone the no poo route in hair care, making my own shampoo and conditioner once a week. I'm looking into homesteading, green options for everything, organic foods, making what I need at home, staying away from TV. It's like I went from one extreme to another. I no longer want to live in a city but have found myself looking at plots of land that are within a reasonable distance of a town so that goods can be bought.

Looking up recipes and how-to guides online for certain things, I find an odd trend in things. It appears that you have housewives (sorry if I offend) and women ranging from mid-twenties to early forties with all of this DIY stuff and Eco-friendly items. That isn't the problem. I am happy to see more people doing this and want to encourage more to do so. The problem is, is when they refer to it as 'hippie' stuff. One article, forget where this was found it but I'll keep it to myself, was going on about making an alternative to toothpaste. At the end the author said that you could keep it in a little Tupperware cup in the bathroom or, if you don't want your boyfriend to see your hippie toothpaste, you can try and get it into an old toothpaste tube.  Really?  What? I just scratched my head at this. I suppose I should've known something was off when the title had been Hippie Toothpaste. I mean, looking at the site it appears that anything homemade gets the hippie title slapped on.

I suppose I shouldn't be upset by all of that and it's more irksome than anything else. The word 'hippie' seems to be used in such a way that it's praised but it still isn't a pretty word. :\  I can't seem to explain it. Ah well.  This Granola Child is happy with life and that's all I need.

It's All in the Details

I play Dungeons and Dragons. I L-O-V-E the game to no end. I had wanted to play it for years but never got a chance to. Within the first few months of being with Grendal we joined a small group before starting our own. The group we started is still going strong and we have incorporated other games into our 'play list'.

Last night, Sundays are our gaming nights, we made a decision on what we should play next. We had just finished a genre jumping game set in the Big Eyes, Small Mouth system and needed something to fill in. We decided to go back to Grendal's campaign since his work and class schedule had gotten better and the semester is nearly over. This made us pretty happy since that game had just truly gotten started and we all wanted to get back to our characters.Of course this meant my mind was going a mile a minute.

In that game I play a character by the name of Ruslan. The characters in the group, so far, consist of a human male(my character), a half-doppelganger female, a male Tibit(cat morph), a human female, a male Lizardfolk, a male gnome, and, now, a mechanized creature. Save for the mechanized being, the Lizardfolk and my character are seemingly the only ones with a major back story. The other players either haven't divulged or hinted at a story and their characters are doing these huge missions and bounties for, well, the money and the fact that one had mommy issues.  That's all well and good, and very much a reason to do things, but I look at Ruslan and wonder if his history is just too big. It's honestly what drives him to do what he does.

15-20 years prior to the game starting Ruslan's village was destroyed by a Copper dragon. To make matters worse, the dragon had raped and killed his wife as well.  All this had happened while Ruslan was away, having taken their two year old child to another village to stay with his wife's family while they began their move. When Ruslan returned and saw the destruction he searched the city for survivors. He found his wife's broken body and was quickly spotted by the dragon. Ruslan was no match and was easily pinned to the ground. The dragon, putting two and two together, began to tell Ruslan, in detail, what he had done to his village and his wife. To add insult to injury the dragon used it's acid breath to melt his left arm.

Somehow Ruslan made it back to his daughter. He told his in-laws what had happened and stayed with them while he healed. The moment he could travel, though, he slipped away with his daughter and headed towards a major city, which was well defended from such attacks. He raised his daughter alone, never telling her what had happened, and soon her memory of her mother was barely there.

Ruslan not only vowed vengence against the copper dragon he also denounced his god in favor for another. His god had not come to his aid, which was a major blow because during his younger years Ruslan was a devout paladin. Now, he served a god of justice and vengeance.

Yeah......the Lizardfolk only knows a small portion of this story, mainly Ruslan's complete and utter hatred of Copper dragons. Ruslan is very much ingrained in the city that the team calls 'home' and while I want the others to know his story, out of character, he isn't one to talk about it.

I'm worried that I put too much thought into Ruslan, which does make for a well rounded character but much of that history probably won't come to light. Which is what usually seems to happen with my D & D characters. :I

Ah well.

A Wee Bit of the Blues

I don't know what it is about today but Grendal and I had one hel of a time waking up. We slept through nearly all of his alarms. Got out of my stupor when Grendal nudged me and asked if I'd make him coffee for the morning. So, even after dragging my groggy butt out of bed and having a cup of coffee myself, I feel like I'm dragging. I don't know if it's the weather because I know I had gotten a decent amount of sleep. No waking up in the middle of the evening, but I'm still just feeling like a bump on a log right now.

This week is gonna be a busy one at work. I have nearly 40 hours, which is rare for us part time peons.  I've been feeling a little bit more like I'm in charge of this around the deli, for some odd reason, and really feeling my age. This past Sunday, while a short shift of four hours was not a happy one for a moment. Why? I had one of the higher ups refer to me as 'the help'.  : |     What now? First off, I don't get paid nearly enough to be called 'the help' nor am I watching the children or cleaning the house of a wealthy person. My opinion of the man quickly slipped into the negative. I knew he wasn't the greatest guy but it had been all decent business when he'd show up. Nope. Not now. The guy can bite me and the next time he calls me as such I will say that if he wants to call me 'the help' he needs to increase my wage a few bucks.  I'll even wear my serious face.

We've gotten some more snow around here, so my previous comments of 'Hey, it looks like spring' seems to have been thrown off. Still seeing those birds, though, and I'm able to walk outside without the cloak nearly as much as I needed during the colder days.

Touching on the notion of feeling my age, it seems like my gaming group and I are becoming 'adults'.  Out of the eight of us our age range from 21 to the mid- to late 30s.  Next year will be my 30th birthday, which I plan to have a wonderful party.  But yes, we're becoming adults.  One of the guys has finally gotten a job, in the Chicago area, in the area of massage which means his time with us on Sunday is gonna come to an end(at least for the time being). Another one of the guys is attending college in the Chicago area and his classes this semester has kept him away. The youngest of us has finally gotten a job and it seems like she'll be getting the evening shift on gaming night. Then there's Grendal and I: about to get married and Grendal having his eyes set on getting the job with the railway. We're growing up and I'm honestly a little worried. My Sunday group is made up of the people I consider my friends. Honestly, the only friends I have and the ones that are within reasonable driving distance. Work and life is pulling us apart, which I don't like.

Maybe that's what has me like this? Who knows.

I've been building a good relationship with my tarot deck. They seem to like me and their personality is coming to light(when I'm working with them, my attention is on THEM, nothing else). I need to reconnect with Odin somehow. :\  Perhaps an offering or just some time with him. Winter is usually a good time for me. For the first time I'm finding myself want Spring to come.

And on a personal note....

I know, I know. I have the time to do a another day's devotional to Odin but I haven't really written anything regarding me here in days. So, it's time for the obligatory update! :D

Finally got my federal tax return in and was so happy seeing my account hit the 1k mark. It's been years since that happened. Sadly that didn't last long. Not that it went to something bad. It actually went to Grendal's Utilikilt for the wedding!! He should have it by next week and then begins the battle of making sure he fits and doesn't wear it constantly before our wedding date. That and I think I need to start bothering his mother to begin my dress. :I

Speaking of wedding stuff, we still have to figure out invitations and food and all of that. I feel like I'm going nuts with the whole thing and June is inching closer and closer. We decided to just to get the roast pig rather than full catering and then running to Sam's Club for the extra vittles. Seems reasonable enough.

Works been slowly crawling by and Grendal is chugging through his class. He's talking in positive ways, referring to the railway job as if he already has it and he's gotten me to do the same thing. Positive thinking all around in that regard. Figured with that job I could cut back on my hours at work and focus on home stuff. I don't think I could actually function without a job, becoming nothing more than a bump on log in no time. Grendal has planned things out in regards to that. For the first year we save his paychecks as much as possible and then, with hope, purchase some property. There is a nice little blue house next to his parents' place that we've been eying and, with all the luck in the world, it should be vacant still and ready to purchase. Another year of living with his parents', and saving up some more, we should have enough money to tears down the existing house and hire someone to build something to our designs. Something akin to Tumbleweed Homes and all that. Energy efficient, a garden of our own, and a fenced in area for Yuko to run around without being leashed. And, if we can work things out, chickens but that has to do with possible zoning and laws.

In the meantime, though, I've been making myself sad by eyeballing acreage and farmland for sale  on different sites. It's our big dream to move a little more north and homestead. Grendal doesn't think I have it in me but I know I do. Seriously, 10 years ago I would have been more than happy living in a city(not a big one). After being with Grendal and living in this township/village, I don't think I could move back to the area my parents are in. It's too crowded. And don't even get me started on Chicago(oh the smell).

When all is said and done, things look rather good. I have some rants in the back of my head about our current situation thanks to some people, but that will be saved for another possible post. Besides, I don't want to kill my good mood.

Pardon Me for Being Blue

NOTE: This post is a little more personal than the few others and covers depression. And it's a wee rant. If you don't want to read it, don't. Happier things are on the way, I promise! :)

So, I was diagnosed with depression years back. I'm thinking 12 some odd years. I was in high school, blah blah blah. I took medication that didn't seem to help but I kept trudging through life a little less then chipper. I was never one of the people who sunk into depression so far that I thought about taking my life. Part me believes that I would never let myself EVER think about it. Sure, I've thought about disappearing but I have a strong urge to be here.

Grendal helped me through my depression and did convince me that I didn't need the medication. I weaned myself off early in our relationship and haven't looked back. He's suggested it was more of a situational depression rather than the clinical depression that was diagnosed. In all honesty, it was being around a mother that idolized my older sister and had a strong relationship with my younger. I was the bookworm, gamer, writer....the one more artistically inclined and very much a person that keeps to myself. I wasn't happy at home but no one, not even myself, could see it. That is, until Grendal showed up and helped me out!

I've been fine for YEARS. My father has seasonal depression(winter blues) and my mother has fought depression as well, but I've been good. Until this winter. It's a little strange because winter always seems to breathe new life into me. Grendal has suggested that it's due to the lack of a good snow. I think I can agree. But having SAD for the first time, along with job issues, and our wedding creeping up on us, it's been taking it's toll.

I'm happy to be with Grendal and just be around him in a way to heal myself, but my online gaming friends don't seem to grasp it. We had tried to set up a weekly get together to play Halo 4 with each other. It worked for a while but then holidays hit, Grendal and I had our week off, and then I started getting depressed. Two of the group are seeming to get upset about not having gatherings anymore. I understand. For a few years Grendal and I would get together with two of our friends on a Friday afternoon and hang out for hours. It was great! Then again, I wasn't having these problems and if I had been those two friends would have understood and even try to lighten my spirits. Two of my current gaming friends seem more upset about things not going through. No regard for if I feel up to it or the fact that jobs/classes/life is first in line.

That and one of them suggested that if saving up for the wedding is so hard, then just push it back. Really? Just push it back? No thougths about the people that know the date, or that we've set things up for that date. Perhaps the fact that it has a personal and spiritual significance. Then again he's a person that believe things happen for a reason, and I'm not.

Honestly there isn't much I can do about it. They'll have their own opinions and all I can do is focus on myself and making myself better.  And I shall do that.

Screw 'em!

That Didn't Take Long

It's been a bit since my last post. I suppose it was bound to happen with the holidays and what not. Grendal and I have had this week off as a mini vacation. Spending most of the time at home, going out to eat, and what not. I really needed this time to recoup and not feel like I wanted to run someone through at work. Harsh, I know, but after a year and half without any sort of time off except the two days a week they gave me, I think I deserved this. Getting short with co-workers and generally feeling unappreciated really wears a person down. While I should be feeling the itch to get back to work, I'm not. I gotta, though; I need money to put food on the table. :I

Holidays were nice. My younger sister was in Hawai'i with her boyfriend and my mother's side of the family, so it was a shame she wasn't here. Time with my family was actually really nice. Felt like I had some time to bond with parents, which doesn't seem to happen much. We spent the time with Grendal's family, which, in it's own way, was nice as well. We managed to stand being around the nieces for a while and it was nice to chat with his brother. All in all, Christmas was pretty nice this time around.

In another two weeks Grendal starts his last semester at a local college. He only has one class left and then he's done with just a basic degree. Once that's done, though, he plans to apply at Canadian Pacific, doing what my brother-in-law does. While it sucks that he'll be gone often, he says the pay will be worth it. Grendal, being the math whiz that he is, figures we should be able to save up for a house within a year's time. Well, at least the property. There is a house on the neighboring property that he wants to tear down and then have a house built to his design. Somewhat like a Tumbleweed Home but with alterations so someone his height can feel comfortable. While it's not in the county where we can have chickens and goats like we dream, it's better than nothing! I'll be able to have an altar outside, which is what I promised would happen once we got a house for ourselves.

That seems it for now. Hopefully I'll be able to get in another update before this week is out!

-Djarfskald